Today I looked at San Francisco from Twin Peaks. Anton, a close friend and neighbor of the cousins who are hosting me this week, was my escort. He spread his arms over the city laid out below us and named the streets, neighborhoods, and cities within his reach. As we were driving back down the hills, he said, “You know, I understand how every city has its ethos. New York is money, Washington is power, Los Angeles is fame. But San Francisco, man, everyone just is whatever they are.” 

As I wonder about and try to avoid pinning down the details of my future (meanwhile, of course, I’m critiquing pictures of Craftsman-style houses and floor-to-ceiling windows on Pinterest as if they have any place in my own life), I am struck by the simplicity of each major city’s “ethos.” 

It really seems true, though. I’ve noticed that the skeletal “ideal” woman’s body is nowhere to be found here, which is telling of the level of confidence and acceptance that is fostered by San Franciscans. Whereas East Coast people are painfully self-aware and often self-critical, people here are more concerned with the world at large, taking advantage of the phenomena of nature and humankind rather than orienting themselves inward. 

The world from Twin Peaks is colorful and bustling, but within arm’s reach. I could live here. But it’s damn cold. Oh, wait, that’s right, I live in Connecticut.

Posted 2 months ago

Whenever I casually drop the name of my girlfriend of one year who I have never told my family about when I am with family members, everyone immediately drops whatever they are doing. Their heads swivel in my direction, they stop short in their paths, their eyes narrow, and they cock their head to one side. “Yeah, what about that?” is hurriedly followed by, “I mean, if it’s okay if I ask.” Um. Yeah, you can ask. It’s going to be exquisitely awkward, no matter how not awkward you want it to be. You’ll ask how long I’ve known. You’re going to act like you’re super liberal, whether or not you actually are. You are, without a doubt, going to tell an anecdote about your gay friend. Then you’re going to realize that you have to explain why you know that I have a girlfriend, at which point you are going to bashfully admit that you totally stalk my Facebook even though you are an adult and pretend like you are above that. And even though I am going to tell you that it “just happened” and I’m “just going with it,” you are going to ask what it means.

What does it mean? Seriously? I am twenty years old and busy as all get out. I am trying to get out of bed every morning, sit through all of my classes, remember to eat, and make minimum wage. On top of that grueling workload, I’m trying not to piss off my girlfriend/parents/friends who all seem to want a lot more of my time than is readily available. My head is swimming with the six apps and ten Google Chrome tabs that are open at all times. I’m talking myself out of feeling insecure when I realize that my hipster classmates are attractive and trendy and I am wearing scuffed Dansko clogs and sweaters that are from the thrift store and not in a cool way. I can’t nail down the criteria I need to consider in order to choose a major/summer job/life plan, let alone actually make real decisions. So no, I’m sorry, but I don’t know what it means that I have a girlfriend.

And that’s why I don’t tell you. Every possible outcome of out-coming makes my skin crawl. I told the once-sort-of-lesbian mother of a best friend from home that I was dating a girl and she said, “What is that, some sort of a LUG thing?” I was not well-versed in the les terminology (maybe because I hadn’t even gotten to a point where I felt the need to send in my membership fees to the club), so I embarrassed myself by asking her to explain that she thought I was a “lesbian until graduation.” I told one cousin, who feels justified in pretending like she is my mother rather than my peer because she has kids and a minivan, and she lectured me about not making statements before I was sure. I’ve gotten a lot of “When you’re an adult you’ll realize that you don’t want that lifestyle” and “a lot of women go through that in college.” People say the most awkward shit just because they think I need reassurance that I’m not a freak.

I never thought I was a freak. I never thought I was a lesbian. I also never really actively thought that I was straight. It might sound hokey to anyone who does not live in the 06459 zip code that is the campus of Wesleyan University, but I can honestly say that my self-image doesn’t subscribe to any mainstream structure for sexuality. I didn’t “always know” or “suddenly realize,” and I especially didn’t “decide”. I liked a lot of boys for a long time, then one day, I had butterflies in my tummy for a girl. And that was fine. 

Around the age when I graduated from Lip Smackers to CoverGirl, my family members started asking incessantly about my love life. For the most part, I was making out with boys in backseats of cars and then suffering the devastation of being ignored the next day at school. I sure as hell wasn’t about to tell my great-uncle about that. I didn’t know what those make-outs meant. Plus, I knew that even if I made something up (like if I told them that I was dating Max rather than that we had dinner once and provocatively text-messaged often), they would still be asking about it ten years later. So I refrained from sharing. Always. My mother, who didn’t miss a beat when I told her about the feelings I had for someone about a year ago, tells me that the family cares because they want me to be happy. They try to set me up with their wealthy and attractive ex-neighbor’s bridge partner’s orthodontist’s son because they want me to be cared for after I graduate from college and am delivered into the abyss of adulthood. It’s really very benevolent of them. Just sort of anti-feminist and insulting, also, because they obviously don’t expect me to have goals or abilities or thoughts of my own.

I’m not changing the subject, promise. The point is, I guess, that I don’t feel the need to come out. What’s to come out? I’m not hiding any deep dark secrets about my personality. I’m just doing my life, and trying to keep my head up day-to-day. I would be so screwed if I started thinking about what it means. When asked, I will continue to blush and mumble and say “I don’t know” like a broken record. It’s your own damn fault for bringing it up and making it a big-deal formal conversation thing. I appreciate your caring, and I’m sorry that I don’t have answers. Maybe you could change the subject to my major?

Posted 2 months ago

Signing up for a half marathon on April 22 with HP. That’s seven weeks from tomorrow. I’m starting today on day six of an 8-week training program with a 4 mile long run. “Long runs” on weekends will eventually build to 10 miles the week before the race. 

Running in general is something I’ve always wanted to be able to do; signing up for this thing is borderline crazy but also a nice way to set a goal and motivate myself to actually TRAIN.

So far this week, I’ve done (M) treadmill 5K, (T) outside 2.5 mi + cross-training, (W) 30:00 5K, and (Th) 2 mi - a little over ten miles so far this week. Today is 4 miles but if I’m feeling good I’m going to try to push it to 5. Tomorrow is cross-training. I’ll probably bike and lift weights.

I’ll run another 10 miles during midterms week, then 12 and 14 each week of spring break. If I stick to it for three weeks, I’m going to buy myself lululemon running clothes.

Posted 2 months ago

Posted 3 months ago

“After all, for higher-income women, the rate of unintended pregnancy has declined since 1994 by 29 percent; unintended pregnancies among women living below the federal poverty line rose 50 percent in the same period.”

It’s obvious that financial barriers to accessing contraceptives makes a difference, but improving sex ed in public schools would no doubt have an effect on the number of unintended pregnancies among poor women. I remember hearing about the legendary “condom locker” at a private high school in Atlanta and being shocked, but actually, free and totally anonymous access to birth control at a school seems like a good idea. Maybe if our health classes in public school had been taught by teachers who were competent - or at least, you know, awake - and had a reasonably up-to-date curriculum, I wouldn’t have been sitting next to a sophomore with her second baby on the way. Just another way that southern public schools please their fundamentalist legislators and completely miss an opportunity to affect major social change by actually educating kids.

Posted 3 months ago

I didn’t even realize she had an opinion to give up. 

Isn’t it a not-very-funny joke to pledge to relinquish your opinion as the wife of a Republican nominee in the midst of a primary focusing heavily on the controversy over feminist issues like gay marriage and reproductive rights? Callista just struck a blow to feminists everywhere with her submissive wife act, telling the world that to be woman means to keep her mouth shut - or, better yet, just skip using her brain all together.

Posted 3 months ago

Posted 3 months ago

Posted 3 months ago